I have never kept a diary.

I am not going to fight the font. It wants to be whatever this is and that is fine.

I have never kept a diary. I now think that may have been a mistake but as for things one can correct writing a diary in reverse is not one that I believe can be accomplished. I wish I had. I do. If I had I would have more of her to remember, Melissa. My wife. There have been other wives. I have been married numerous times. Too many. marriages should not be a hobby. Marriages are not projects. Or maybe they are.   I think they failed. The ones not involving Melissa because I discovered that I really didn't have enough love left to accomplish any level of outright devotional mesmerization. Actually it was today as I strolled down Kissena Boulevard that I came to that conclusion. Every time I got involved it was with a not-Melissa. I had no idea I was in love that much. I really didn't. I will not use youth as an excuse. It is a viable one but I am not going to use it. When life was shorter twenty was middle age. That was probably in the Middle Ages. So one could be middle aged in the middle ages. 

It is now difficult to write what I think I should write. Or what wants to be written about. I would rather yell it or cry it or scream it or whisper it to a tree or a shadow. I would rather kneel down in the desert and scrape my bare knees in the sand and say to the silence all these things. I want to bend down in front of me and ask of the unforgiving part of me to be forgiven but I do not think I will. I do not think I deserve it. Well, I know I don't deserve it. Which doesn't mean that people who don't deserve to be forgiven aren't forgiven. Why not if it makes them feel better. That's the whole last rites thing isn't it?

See..I haven't written anything yet. I am safe for now. But I got close and that isn't bad.

Oh....I fought the font.